Chimpanzees are Smarter Than College Students

Putting aside the obvious comparisons in hygiene and reproductive habits two studies came out recently which prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Chimps are smarter than college students.

In the first one published in the journal Cognition a group of 276 people made up of a mixture of 4-5 year olds and college students were given a device that none of them had seen before.  To make it work you had to stack a certain combination of clay shapes in certain boxes to get the device to light up and play music.  The children were much quicker to figure out the unusual method by which the device operated.

“the best and brightest [college] students acted as if the machine would always follow the common and obvious rule, even when we showed them that it might work differently.”

They kept pressing the figurative food pellet bar because teachers had always rewarded them for that in the past.  Maybe they thought they were in a voting booth because as they frantically kept choosing the same failed strategy over and over again one researcher says she heard them repeating under their breath, “Obama, Obama, Obama.” (Ok, I maybe she didn’t, but I am as likely right on this as Obama was in saying you could keep your insurance if you like it… and I say it with every bit as much sincerity.)

But this only concerns how college students are dumber than children you say?  How could it be otherwise after all of the time they have spent institutionalized in our public schools?  What does this prove about chimps?

Well, the second study pitted chimps against human children in a virtual reality game where they had to find their way to certain targets.  They used a joystick to navigate and the chimps proved to be the champions in efficiency… finding their way to their destination while traveling much less distance than their human competitors.  But surely the test was rigged you say?

As the games became more complicated, some of the humans tried to get a boost from their species-mates in the room. “The humans would ask me for answers, but I would tell them, ‘I can’t give the chimps answers,’” said Francine Dolins, a primatologist at the University of Michigan-Dearborn and first author on the study, which was published online in the American Journal of Primatology in January.

Oh… ok then.

I guess it should be noted that these chimps are southerners, living at Ga Southern University and the humans were English… so you know, maybe that explains it.  The humans with a good sense of direction (or just good sense) were able to find their way to America a long time ago.  The rest are still bumbling about, driving on the wrong side of the road.

Anyway, combining the results of these tests we are left with the equation that chimps>children>college students.

Because 97% of the scientists writing this post say so.


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