If you wonder what college Title IX Administrators do then join the club. Apparently part of their responsibility entails investigating Teletubbies for sexual harassment. You can see the video of the incident here.
Luckily Po, the red Teletubby in the video was exonerated, but not before considerable resources had been wasted upon the farce. You would almost think he were a Republican governor the way he was persecuted.
But what I found most interesting was the letter sent out by the Title IX office to all of the returning students. I am not sure what its purpose is other than to drum up business for the sexual harassment investigators.
I think most kids probably have the good sense to toss this in the trash without reading it. They know that the rules are irrational enough that there will be no protection to be gained from reading them and that they outline a course of conduct that is completely at odds with human nature, or even with what is desirable.
But let’s give the list of taboos and prohibitions a thorough going over of the sort that the uptight Title IX Administrator, Ms. Bennet seems to be in such dire need of herself. I will provide my interpretation of what I would have thought had I read something like this when I was in college. Prohibitions include:
- Suggestive or insulting sounds or obscene gestures
Don’t fight with your girlfriend. Don’t speak Italian or German as it may be construed incorrectly (or correctly, depending upon what you are saying and the exact nature of your gesticulations). Sex with mimes is strictly verboten as is even asking for sex via pantomime. Who knew miscegenation with mimes was such a problem that it would command first place on the list of thou shalt nots?
- Off-color jokes
Don’t make her laugh.
Example of an unacceptable joke: Q: What do you call it when you have sex with a woman who refuses to buy birth control but nevertheless doesn’t get pregnant? A: A Fluke.
Example of an acceptable joke. Q: Why did the Republican cross the road? A: To get away from the black people.
- Other physical, verbal, graphic or written conduct of a sexual nature
Don’t flirt with her — even via pictogram. In light of trying to remain culturally sensitive suggestive smoke signals might still be allowed should you figure out how to make them assume the shape of a smoke penis pounding a cloud vagina.
- Requesting another person to engage in a behavior with a sexual body part or enacting a sexual behavior
Don’t skip the flirting, which you aren’t allowed to do anyway, and just ask for sex.
- Any physical sexual act which is perpetrated against a person’s will or done without the person’s consent (such as when the person is intoxicated)
Don’t skip asking for sex, which is forbidden anyway, and just mount her.
- Unwelcome sexual advances or requests for sexual activity by a person or persons in a position of power or authority over another.
I assume by this phrasing that welcome advances of this nature are OK. Which is a catch-22 because you can’t know beforehand whether you have committed an offense since no one ever knows how such advances will be received before they make them. In this scenario a person is very much like the male black widow spider who can only approach the female for sex if he is willing to allow her to kill him should she find either his approach, or his performance displeasing.
I will also note that the only loophole that can conceivably lead to sex in this whole list involves those in a position of authority. Every other avenue has been foreclosed other than having completely accidental sex where two people bump into each other in just the right fashion — repeatedly.
- Related activity; Engaging in or encouraging underage drinking
Don’t drink away your blue balls. Sit there, stone ass sober, and lament the fact that you have been effectively castrated without even the comparative mercy of being physically separated from your balls so that your suffering might be maximized for the greater glory of the university.
- Making photographs, videos or other visual or auditory recordings of a sexual nature of another person without consent, even if the activity documented was consensual.
Don’t record the sex that the rules prevent you from having. It can’t even be used as evidence of your innocence anyway since you were, you know, having sex.
Really, they could have saved a lot of trouble by just saying, “Don’t talk about sex, don’t think about it, don’t joke about it, don’t ask for it unless you work here, and for God’s sake don’t have it lest ye be struck down by an administrator who might ask you to service them should they feel you might be receptive to such an advance — say in exchange for overlooking your transgressions.”
The one conclusion I feel compelled to make from all of this is that if the movie Footloose were to ever be remade the uptight minister in it would have to be replaced by a college administrator for purposes of realism.
Other takes on this: