Emma Watson Wants to Create a New Type of Porn

As part of her quest to prove just what a privileged and sheltered life she has lead, Emma Watson has recently come out for creating a new type of porn.

Emma Watson has called for the creation of “awesome alternatives” to pornography that empower instead of objectifying women.

Extraordinarily poor grammar aside…  Golly gee, doesn’t that just sound great!  A whole new way to watch people screw!

Apparently Emma has been locked under the stairs and denied internet access for most of her adult life because there is quite literally every type of erotica and porn that the human imagination can think of available at her fingertips and she can access it easier than waving her dildo and saying alohomora.   All she has to do is type a few words and click a mouse and before her will stretch every perversion, or every erotic and sincere type of lovemaking that is possible given man’s anatomical and emotional make-up.  You can also find some types that are not possible if you include anime’, special effects and furry costumes… or so I have been told.

If Emma Watson can think of something new in the area of human sexuality then she truly is a wizard and undoubtedly deserves a Nobel Peace Piece Prize for her efforts.  But despite her fame and wealth she is just another dumb, inexperienced kid who thinks she is going to recreate how we procreate from scratch.  I think at least some of this nonsense has gotten into her head because she has started hanging out with a bad crowd.

Last month she vowed to take a year off to study feminism, and as part of that effort she has started some sort of feminist book club.  The first author she chose was Gloria Steinem, and being who she is she was able to set up an interview.  Instead of talking about deadly problems women face such as honor killing or female genital circumcision they ended up prattling on about what a shame it is that the world is covered in porn of a type that they dislike.  And you know whose fault it is?  Why it is a vast right wing conspiracy of course!

Referring to a previous conversation she and Watson had, Steinem continued: “We were both worried about the envelopment of the earth in pornographic images. Young people especially. The right wing (right wing just in a general way) on one hand is suppressing sex education and allowing, or profiteering off pornography so young people look at porno and think that’s it.

Yes, those Baptists and their damnable porn studios.  It is all their fault.  If only they would allow erotica in schools people would know there are other ways of making love and not be tempted by those filthy, pornographic videos.  But then that would cut into their profits… in some unexplained manner that exists only in Steinem’s fevered imagination.  She seems to ascribe to the underpants gnomes school of economics.  Either that or she saw the porno they made earlier in their careers.

Really, there is no sense to be had here at all.  They complain that women are objectified in porn, but never acknowledge that porn is the word we give to the type of sexual depictions  where people are objectified.  Complaining about objectification in porn is like complaining about death in murder.  It is definitional.

But not everything is porn.  There is plenty of erotica.  And you know what we call videos where women and men are not objectified, and we learn something of their character and intelligence?  We call those movies, or TV shows.  They even have plots where the characters can display all of their best traits through their actions.  Indeed there is a whole genre of both movies and novels devoted just to the adulation and worship of women.  Romance novels are written specifically to cater to women’s sensibilities.  Probably over half of all lyrics and poems ever created by man are paeans to the virtues of the feminine and the beauty that is inherent in being a woman.  And possibly the most common trope in any form of entertainment is one where a man tries to prove himself worthy of a woman’s love… never vice versa.   What more do they want?  Well, if I am to believe what Emma and Gloria say, they want your porn.  And as Heston famously said, they can have it when they pry it from my cold, dead… umm… sticky hand…  ok, maybe that wasn’t the best call to arms, but you get the idea.

And of course they ignore the fact that men are also objectified in porn.  I know I spend a good portion of every day just quietly sobbing over the very thought of a woman being attracted to my naughty bits, certain in the knowledge none of them will ever see anything else of value in me.   Isn’t that normal?

Of course not!  The entire purpose of sexually stimulating material is to be sexually stimulating.  It is the rare bird who wanks off to a sonnet, or a third order differential equation (I prefer the nonhomogeneous third order ones myself, but I am kinky that way).  Humans have drives and porn is a way of sating those desires when an appropriate and willing mate is not available.  It is just like any other drive.  Sometimes I am hungry so I eat.  A good conversation would make the meal go down even better, but sometimes there are no conversationalists nearby.  But it doesn’t mean that I will forget how to talk the next time I go out to dinner with someone.

Basic needs have to be met and terrible things happen when they go unmet, or are suppressed.  Just look at how screwed up the Muslim world is where people blow themselves up in hopes of getting to see more than a woman’s ankle in the afterlife.  They have no porn, but they objectify women far more than any other culture because there is no socially acceptable outlet available to them.

No, what Emma is really complaining about is not that what she is calling for doesn’t exist, or that it is not widely available.  What she is complaining about is that you, dear reader,  do not have the same sort or repressed sexuality and naivety that she does.  It is not about offering more choices because there is nothing more to offer.  It is about her instructing you as to the proper choices to make from those offerings.  And while that might make for a pleasant diversion were she to provide such instruction in person, it really is unappealing and makes her come off as both hectoring and addlepated when she tries to start a public campaign to invalidate everyone else’s sexuality, including that of many women.  Simply put, why would I adapt my sexuality to hers when she is not my partner?  Why should I validate her choices over mine or my partner’s?  And her only answer is that she is a feminist as if that gives her some moral authority.  It doesn’t.  Catholics are great people and Catholicism is a wonderful creed, but they still have to convince me that their views on sex are the best for me befoer I adopt them.  Feminists are terrible people so the hill they have to climb is even higher.

I guess somehow us muggles will just have to muddle along without advice from Hermione and that thing that even Hagrid couldn’t love.  But if Ms. Watson really wants to convince me to change my ways I challenge her to appear in some erotica of the sort she thinks is best for my consumption so that I can make up my own mind.  I am open minded enough to at least examine the evidence.  And she can rest assured I would never presume to tell her what she should find arousing.

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  • Rich Knudsen

    Anything I could say would sound icky no matter how I phrased it so,Have a nice day.